Choosing a life partner is a daunting task. This is not an area of life that you want to make a mistake. However, with divorce rates hovering over 50%, it seems that people are rushing into matrimony or not being honest with themselves or their partners. I meet couples all the time who are excited to get married because they’re honestly in love, this is one of the biggest mistakes you can make from the start. Choosing your life partner should not be based on love alone. Love is not enough to maintain a successful relationship and often, it’s the result of a strong bond, not the glue that holds it together.
Before you decide on a life partner, answer these 5 questions:
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Marriage is forever and forever is a very long time. What do you plan to do with your partner to fill the time? And I don’t just mean sharing meals, going to the movies or hitting the gym together. What is your common life purpose outside the day-to-day chores, child-rearing and routine life activities? Having a common purpose is a way of reinventing your relationship in many ways over the years. Relying on each other to fulfill this common purpose can deepen your commitment and connection to each other.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel emotionally safe?
Emotional safety means knowing you can openly communicate your thoughts, feelings and ideas with your partner without being “punished” for doing so. I cannot stress enough how important this is; so often couples are in my office trying to work through this very issue. Your level of communication is a reflection of the quality of your relationship. Can you effectively communicate with each other? Have you mastered the art of fighting fair? Do you feel safe sharing exactly how you feel for better or worse? [Related: 6 Phrases You Should Never Say To Someone You Care About]
QUESTION #3: Is he/she focused on personal development?
Read this one closely because it’s a good segue into the final question. Is your potential partner focused on character refinement and personal development? Examples of this personal development include reading, journaling, attending inspirational conferences, meeting with a life coach or being part of mastermind groups. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
Before you answer this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, flight attendants and taxi drivers? What about how they treat their own family? Are they gracious, friendly and respectful or rude, arrogant and dismissive? Is this potential life partner a gossip or can he or she be trusted to keep secrets?
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "fix" them after they get married.
I often tell pre-marital clients, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage...for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
Once the shine of dating starts to dull and you get married, your partner will settle more into his or her ways. Can you live with that? Are his quirks deal breakers for you? Are her red flags something you can move past for a happy life? [Related: Will He Or She Change After We Get Married?]
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Lead with your head and let your heart follow. Like I always say, “The best time to get out of a bad marriage is before you get in one,” and doing your homework is necessary! If you need help sorting through your emotions or even your partner’s perspective, contact me for a free 20-minute consult.