As a life and performance coach, I know a few things about having difficult conversations. Mine have included topics that would make most people cringe. To be honest, I’d like to put off difficult conversations as much as everyone else, but I’m sought out to help clients resolve problems that can’t happen if I avoid putting the issues right out there on the table.
The thing that gives me courage is my belief that even though the conversation will be difficult and bring up painful emotions, the results will make it all worthwhile. Maybe you can relate? Having difficult conversations is part of any relationship.
The alternative is what I call the ‘Avoiding-Lingering-Blindsiding’ paradigm. We avoid having a necessary conversation. Meanwhile the consequences of the lingering issues cause festering. When the lingering issue becomes too much to bear, we finally feel pushed into the conversation. But now, our emotions are cranked up and we’re not as effective in maintaining our calm and presenting the issues in a way that doesn’t seem attacking or condemning. Meanwhile, the person on the receiving end feels completely blindsided and ambushed by the whole thing. Think about it for a moment. Whatever the challenge is, it’s probably been going on for some time and it was never brought up. Now you want to talk about it!
The issue won’t go away by itself and putting them on the bottom of your to-do list while you continue to let the consequences linger does no one any good. Having difficult conversations is a basic skill in all relationships; they are a part of growth as a couple. When I teach Team Building for Greatness to government and private sector clients, we explore the stages on building a team which include (1) Forming (2) Storming (3) Norming and (4) Performing. The team grows and increases attachment as it progresses through those stages, especially the Storming stage.
Consider these points as you navigate your next difficult conversation:
1. Avoid the “Now” and “Later” Approach
How many times have you wanted to have a conversation and you reached out to someone saying, “We need to talk later?” When exactly is later? Is it later today, later this week or later this month? While they wait, the other person becomes more defensive, anxious and worried not knowing what the conversation is about or when it’s going to happen. A better approach is saying, “I’d like to talk about {fill-in-the-blank}. Does later today work for you?”
Stating the issue and proposing a timeframe gives the other person a chance to get his/her thoughts together ahead of time. You can avoid potentially explosive reactions or worse yet, silence, when you give the other person time to prepare for your conversation.
2. Pick a neutral location.
It’s impossible to cut all the emotion out of a difficult conversation, but the location you pick can add or lessen stress and intensity. Picking the bedroom is sure to add heat but talking in the living room may lessen the emotions. I never coach clients in their homes unless they have a health concern as the feelings brought up in the conversations we have in their living room, kitchen, dining room, etc. will linger long after I leave. My office is a neutral safe space for coaching. You don’t have to leave your house for every conversation but try to find a neutral location where emotions can flow freely.
3. Be direct and clear.
As a cadet, I remember being taught, “Never give a command that can be understood. Give a command that cannot possibly be misunderstood.” The same thing works when having difficult relationship conversations. Ask questions along the way to make sure your message was understood.
4. Focus on results rather than blame.
It’s easy to launch into generalizations and blame when you’re upset, putting the other person on the defensive. Defensive people are often resistant to change, which has you both back to square one. Instead, focus on the results you hope to gain from the conversation. Notice the difference in the statements below.
“You never call when you’re going to be late! It’s like you leave the house and forget all about me!”
“I worry about you when you don’t call and you come home late. Can you please give me a call or a quick text the next time you’re running late?”
To lower their defenses even more, try saying, “I’ve been meaning to bring this up, but I wanted to see if things would change. I will let you know sooner the next time something is bugging me.”
5. Practice active listening.
Listen to what he/she has to say instead of positioning yourself for a comeback. He might have a valid point that pushes the conversation further. She might present some new information that changes your position. Quiet your inner voice long enough to really hear what is being said.
6. Anticipate future conversations.
I rarely have clients who only book one session because most issues require a series of difficult conversations to iron things out. We often try to unload every emotion in one conversation. Understand that the first conversation will be the first of many.
Below are the 5 stages you might experience in your difficult conversations –
1. Clearly defining the issue
2. Discovering the challenges and many sides of the issue
3. Envisioning the possible outcome of the issue
4. Developing solutions
5. Implementing the solutions
If you push too hard in the first conversation, you will have a hard time getting through the stages above. And each stage is vital to resolving conflict in a healthy way.
7. Be willing to compromise.
All relationships take compromise. There is your position on an issue, there is his/her position and somewhere in the middle is something you both can live with. If you’re so focused on having things your way, you may set yourself up for future resistance. Be willing to compromise for the benefit of a healthy, long-term relationship.