The Woulds and Wouldn't's of Your Ideal Relationship

There is no perfect relationship because people join to form relationships and there are no perfect people. However, you can design your ideal relationship by sharing things you would and wouldn’t like your partner to do and by getting clear on what your partner would and wouldn’t like you to do.

In my experience coaching couples, I’ve seen firsthand how expectations are often glossed over in the hope of “lucking into” the ideal relationship. This usually results in pent up anger, resentment and frustration that could have been addressed from the beginning.

I created the exercise below to help you envision your ideal relationship, starting with things you desire from your partner and those things you will not accept. A partner who would trust you, express a great deal of physical affection and make you feel cherished and important in his or her life. A relationship where your partner wouldn’t physically abuse you, lie to you or take your generosity for granted. Maybe you envision a partner who would give you plenty of emotional support and be carried away with all of your quirks.

Before you read further, know that you can complete this exercise at any stage of your relationship. It’s never too late to stop and check in with your partner. It’s also never too early to start envisioning your ideal partner, even if and especially when you’re single. Visualization is a powerful tool for manifesting what you want in life and in love.

Thinking ahead and using the last section of the table below, what would you create or work toward with your ideal partner? A business venture, a side hustle, a family? Write it all down.

The table below might seem easy at first but don’t be fooled! The more you brainstorm, the more you notice desires of your heart that you’ve never said to yourself and certainly ones you’ve never shared with your partner.

The Would and Wouldn’t Exercise

Fill in the blanks using the prompts. If you’re coupled, share this with your partner and then compare your lists.

In my ideal relationship…my partner would

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In my idea relationship…my partner wouldn’t

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In my ideal relationship…my partner and I would (together)

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The sharing is the hard part but it’s the most important part of completing this exercise. If you’re single, keep this somewhere you can easily find it when you when have your eyes on someone who might be your ideal partner.   

The "You're Being Played" Checklist

Life is way too short to allow yourself to be played in relationships. Don’t waste your time with the hope that if you play along long enough, he will make a commitment. Don’t deplete your energy hoping that if you show her how great you are, she will stop stringing you along and settle down.

I developed this checklist to help you determine whether you’re being played in your current relationship and to help you date smarter in future relationships. This checklist is best suited for couples in the earlier stages of dating – 90 days or less – when you’re paying attention to his or her actions, thoughts and words and deciding if he or she is someone you want to commit to long term.

How to use the checklist –

Write a list of your dating non-negotiables; some of which might be automatic deal breakers. Consider being conservative with your list. If you experience 1-7 of the items below, mark it as a yellow light and have an honest conversation about each one. If you experience 8 or more, it may be time to move on from the relationship.

1. The relationship is not moving forward.

Your partner tells you he/she wants commitment, love, kids, a house, etc. but never follows through on those wants. Your relationship is pretty close to being exactly where it was when you first got together. The only time there’s movement is when he/she thinks you’re about to leave.

2. The relationship is one-sided.

He/she gives you the impression that you’ve become a part of his/her current life. Your needs, wants and interests are secondary and while most new couples enjoy discovering fun activities together, your relationship is all about your partner. He/she isn’t interested in building a life with you, but stringing you along for the ride.

3. Your emotions are being manipulated.

You feel like you’re a puppet and your partner is controlling the strings. When you attempt to take the lead, there’s always drama. You often feel like you’re on a rollercoaster ride that never seems to stop. Sometimes you can’t even remember what started the ride.

4. You are made to feel inferior.

Self-esteem is a great thing but be on the lookout for narcissistic traits. Self-esteem is feeling good about you without feeling lesser of others. If your partner is on a pedestal and you’re polishing the bottom, there’s a problem.

5. He/She takes pleasure in criticizing you.

Nobody is perfect in everything. But he carries a big list of your faults and pull them like a six gun in Dodge City. She knows what you’re sensitive about and shoves those joking, harmless, snide remarks down your throat as often as possible. There is an element of play in all healthy relationships but when the jokes are cruel, there is a problem.

6. He/She will not commit to spending time together.

Dinner? I might be tied up. Weekend away? Let me get back to you. Church Sunday? I’m working late on Saturday, but I really wish I could. He always seems to be waiting for a better opportunity to come along. She can’t commit to time with you a month from now but if her girl friend calls, she’ll drop everything to hang with her.

He/she can’t commit on the spot but has no trouble cancelling on the spot.

7. He/She made early declarations of commitment.

 You’ve been out once, or worse you’ve only talked online and he has already said, “I could see myself married to you.” He doesn’t even know your favorite color, but wants to spend the rest of his life with you? She hasn’t met any of your friends but she’s ready to set a wedding date?

8. He/She said, “Let’s sleep together so we can get to know each other better.”

If you hear this, you must know you’re being played!

9. His/Her cell phone or computer is a secret.

Dr. Phil said, “If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing.” If the cell phone is never on around you, there’s probably a reason. If he/she jumps when it rings and chastises you when you ask, “Who’s that?” you’re being played.

10. Your connection ebbs and flows.

If he/she wants something or it’s a special time of year you two are close. The rest of the time they ghost for long periods of time. Sometimes you feel like you’re just associates.

11. You have to jump through hoops for quality time.

Make the reservations. Drive to the spot. Pick the dinner locations. Set up the babysitter. It was your idea so you should be willing to do everything to make it happen even though he/she never plans anything.

12. You don’t have a title.

You’re not boyfriend, girlfriend, my man, my woman or anything else. If and when you get introduced, it’s just with your name, not with a title that explains who you are to them. He/she wants you to change your relationship status but never seems to get around to changing his/hers.

13. Your gut tells you that something is off.

You have a nagging feeling that you’re missing something. It could be nothing, your own insecurities or your intuition trying to give you a heads up that something isn’t right.

14. You haven’t met his/her family or friends.

Not family members, coworkers or anybody else. When they go to cookouts, you can’t go. He/She is not ready to introduce you to others until you make the grade first.

15. He/She flirts with others in your presence.

He/She feels completely free to hit on others or to entertain another’s advances in your presence. You don’t want to be with someone others don’t find attractive, but you also don’t want someone who won’t shut down attention, especially in your presence.

16. He/She has not moved on from an ex.

His/Her ex comes up often in conversation. You can tell that he/she’s got a pretty strong connection still going on even if they never see each other. You’ve noticed some challenges in letting go of a previous relationship.

17. There’s a double standard for behavior.

He can stay out all night. She can fail to keep dates. He can hit on others in your presence. She can forget to return your calls. But you cannot do the same without serious consequences.

18. You caught him/her cheating.

This should be a no-brainer but if he/she cheats, you are definitely being played. What’s your definition of cheating? Mine is simple – if he/she can’t do it in front of you, it’s cheating.

The initial stages of dating can be murky and can sometimes feel like one big game. However, there are a mix of very clear and subtle signs that one person is doing most of the playing while the other is getting played. When you check your non-negotiables against this list above, how does your relationship stack up?

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Looking to break a pattern of dating that is not working for you? Think you’ve found the one but want to make sure your relationship is successful long-term? Contact me for a complimentary consultation to learn more about my relationship coaching services.

How To: Correct Controlling Behaviors

As a marriage and family counselor, I work with many individuals struggling with the controlling nature of their partner. In some cases, one partner is more controlling but most often, both people are exerting an unhealthy level of control in their relationship. The one doing the controlling usually doesn’t see it as an issue, he or she views control as being “right.”

“If she’d just do what I tell her to do, everything would be okay.”

“If he’d just listen to me, we’d be better off.”

“He just doesn’t want to admit that I’m right.”

However, gone unnoticed and unchecked, controlling behavior can lead to feelings of disrespect, hurt and anger. We all want to have our way sometimes but when our way becomes the only way at the expense of our partner’s feelings, we are doing our partnership a disservice. Not to mention setting ourselves up to live a very lonely existence.

My goal as a counselor is to help couples end the “control-conflict-anger-resentment” cycle, stop justifying their behavior during this cycle and learn how to communicate better with a healthy dose of give and take.

The first step is understanding the root cause of control.

The Illusion of Control

Control is a seductive illusion. When we think it’s working, it encourages us to exert more of it. Even when it comes from the best of intentions, trying to control your partner can damage a relationship. The one being controlled is agreeing to the demands put on them and the controller is then responsible for the outcome of every situation. This cycle should be avoided early on in your relationship.

What causes controlling behavior?

Fear is the most common cause for controlling behavior. We tend to tighten our grip when we’re acting on fear – think of the death grip you give the handlebar at the top of the rollercoaster, right before it takes off over the edge! When fear kicks in, we think tightening our grip can stop bad things from happening. In relationships, one person is saying, “Stop trying to control me.” while the other person sees that protest as completely unjustified. The more one protests, the tighter the other’s grip becomes and they both end up in a cycle that’s hard to break.

Fear can also come from childhood experiences – Not being able to control your life or environment, the feeling that things were spinning out of control, general chaos in your household or family dynamic, having a controlling parent or guardian.

Where Does All This Fear Come from in the First Place?

Most the time, fear comes from childhood experiences such as:

• Not being able to control your life or your environment;

• The feeling that things were spinning out of control;

• Chaos in the house or the family.

Growing up with a domineering parent can create the feeling that he or she is getting a need met while our needs go unsatisfied. We can become afraid that we’ll never get our needs met if we aren’t assertive, which is a lot to take on for a child, and as we drive forward for what we want, we steamroll others around us. We grow up practicing the same behaviors we hated.

How to Correct Controlling Behaviors

1.     Be aware of your behavior.

Reflect on your behaviors and actions at the end of each day, when things are still fresh on your mind. When might you have been controlling? Whom did you try to control? What situations did you try to control? What were you feeling when you were in control mode? Awareness is the first step in making a change. When we can label and confront our feelings, we can see patterns in our behaviors that are not effective in our relationship.

2.     Connect with your fear.

What is the underlying fear that’s driving your behavior? Are you afraid of not being able to control your life or your environment? Maybe you’re afraid that things were spinning out of control? Maybe you’re still feeling that there will be some kind of chaos in the house or the family if you don’t control everything? Acknowledge that fear is driving you. Be honest and identify that fear and resolve to bring it out in the open.

3.     Take responsibility for your actions

You may have stepped on a lot of toes with your controlling behavior. That’s okay. People are generally forgiving when you apologize and take full responsibility for your actions. Don’t place blame on your partner. Instead, tell him or her that you needed some time to reflect on your actions in order to do better in the future.

4.     Loosen your grip.

Consciously adjust the power dynamic in your relationships by giving control to others. Be patient with yourself as you adjust to this new normal. Over time you’ll notice that the control you thought you had is no more real than the control others are placing on you. You can let your partner take the lead in some areas of your life. In fact, this is essential to a healthy relationship.

Relationships are about give and take with the power dynamic constantly shifting. Trying to control your partner throws that dynamic off balance and can damage a relationship over time. You can correct your controlling behaviors by first addressing the fear behind them. If you need professional guidance, click here to schedule your complimentary initial consultation with me.

Navigating Difficult Conversations With Your Partner

As a life and performance coach, I know a few things about having difficult conversations. Mine have included topics that would make most people cringe. To be honest, I’d like to put off difficult conversations as much as everyone else, but I’m sought out to help clients resolve problems that can’t happen if I avoid putting the issues right out there on the table.

The thing that gives me courage is my belief that even though the conversation will be difficult and bring up painful emotions, the results will make it all worthwhile. Maybe you can relate? Having difficult conversations is part of any relationship.

The alternative is what I call the ‘Avoiding-Lingering-Blindsiding’ paradigm. We avoid having a necessary conversation. Meanwhile the consequences of the lingering issues cause festering. When the lingering issue becomes too much to bear, we finally feel pushed into the conversation. But now, our emotions are cranked up and we’re not as effective in maintaining our calm and presenting the issues in a way that doesn’t seem attacking or condemning. Meanwhile, the person on the receiving end feels completely blindsided and ambushed by the whole thing. Think about it for a moment. Whatever the challenge is, it’s probably been going on for some time and it was never brought up. Now you want to talk about it!

The issue won’t go away by itself and putting them on the bottom of your to-do list while you continue to let the consequences linger does no one any good. Having difficult conversations is a basic skill in all relationships; they are a part of growth as a couple. When I teach Team Building for Greatness to government and private sector clients, we explore the stages on building a team which include (1) Forming (2) Storming (3) Norming and (4) Performing. The team grows and increases attachment as it progresses through those stages, especially the Storming stage.

Consider these points as you navigate your next difficult conversation:

1. Avoid the “Now” and “Later” Approach

How many times have you wanted to have a conversation and you reached out to someone saying, “We need to talk later?” When exactly is later? Is it later today, later this week or later this month? While they wait, the other person becomes more defensive, anxious and worried not knowing what the conversation is about or when it’s going to happen. A better approach is saying, “I’d like to talk about {fill-in-the-blank}. Does later today work for you?”

Stating the issue and proposing a timeframe gives the other person a chance to get his/her thoughts together ahead of time. You can avoid potentially explosive reactions or worse yet, silence, when you give the other person time to prepare for your conversation.

2. Pick a neutral location.

It’s impossible to cut all the emotion out of a difficult conversation, but the location you pick can add or lessen stress and intensity. Picking the bedroom is sure to add heat but talking in the living room may lessen the emotions. I never coach clients in their homes unless they have a health concern as the feelings brought up in the conversations we have in their living room, kitchen, dining room, etc. will linger long after I leave. My office is a neutral safe space for coaching. You don’t have to leave your house for every conversation but try to find a neutral location where emotions can flow freely.

3. Be direct and clear.

As a cadet, I remember being taught, “Never give a command that can be understood. Give a command that cannot possibly be misunderstood.” The same thing works when having difficult relationship conversations. Ask questions along the way to make sure your message was understood.

4. Focus on results rather than blame.

It’s easy to launch into generalizations and blame when you’re upset, putting the other person on the defensive. Defensive people are often resistant to change, which has you both back to square one. Instead, focus on the results you hope to gain from the conversation. Notice the difference in the statements below.

“You never call when you’re going to be late! It’s like you leave the house and forget all about me!”

“I worry about you when you don’t call and you come home late. Can you please give me a call or a quick text the next time you’re running late?”

To lower their defenses even more, try saying, “I’ve been meaning to bring this up, but I wanted to see if things would change. I will let you know sooner the next time something is bugging me.”

5. Practice active listening.

Listen to what he/she has to say instead of positioning yourself for a comeback. He might have a valid point that pushes the conversation further. She might present some new information that changes your position. Quiet your inner voice long enough to really hear what is being said.

6. Anticipate future conversations.

I rarely have clients who only book one session because most issues require a series of difficult conversations to iron things out. We often try to unload every emotion in one conversation. Understand that the first conversation will be the first of many.

Below are the 5 stages you might experience in your difficult conversations –

1.     Clearly defining the issue

2.     Discovering the challenges and many sides of the issue

3.     Envisioning the possible outcome of the issue

4.     Developing solutions

5.     Implementing the solutions

If you push too hard in the first conversation, you will have a hard time getting through the stages above. And each stage is vital to resolving conflict in a healthy way.

7. Be willing to compromise.

All relationships take compromise. There is your position on an issue, there is his/her position and somewhere in the middle is something you both can live with. If you’re so focused on having things your way, you may set yourself up for future resistance. Be willing to compromise for the benefit of a healthy, long-term relationship.

Wish you would just focus on me...

The other morning, I was completing an article about the benefits of intentional focus in relationships. And as fate would have it, a music video came on (I often use them for background noise when I’m writing – Don’t judge me!). This particular one caught my attention. It was by the artist H.E.R. The lyrics are:

Me
Can you focus on me?
Baby, can you focus on me? Babe

Hands in the soap
Have the faucet's running and I keep looking at you
Stuck on your phone and you're stuck in your zone
You don't have a clue

But I don't wanna give up
Baby, I just want you to get up
Lately I've been a little fed up

Wish you would just focus on

Me

The words made me question how many people in relationships wonder what it would take to get their partner to focus on them? If you don’t focus on the house plants, eventually they die. If you don’t focus on the car, sooner or later it’s going to leave you high and dry along the side of the road. If you never pay attention to the house, you can expect trouble in the very near future.

But for some reason, we have the expectation that we can live in the same house with someone else and things should just keep moving in a positive direction. If you don’t intentionally focus on your partner and the things that are important to him or her, at least some of the time, he or she is going to put all your stuff in the box to the left (another video came on).

I’m not talking about being perpetually under foot or the “watching every move you make” type of behavior. I’m talking about intentionally focusing on what makes her happy, what makes him feel loved. We sometimes find it easier to focus when there are dates on the calendar – birthdays, holidays and anniversaries – but what about all the time in between these special occasions?

There’s an observable cycle that happens in even the closest relationships. Dr. Steven Covey calls it ‘The Tyranny of the Urgent.’

1. We start off really focused on our partner. We need to do that to get him or her focused on us, right? Things are urgent in the early stages.

2. Life shows up and a whole bunch of urgent stuff that we need to get done as quickly as possible. Focusing on our partner is still important to us; however, it’s just not urgent anymore – he or she fades to the background.

3. Our significant other (SO) gets upset because she feels forgotten, he feels invisible. We love our partner, showing him or her is urgent, so we start that process all over again – back to number 1.

We all go through this cycle because life happens. It’s when it becomes a habit and your SO always feels on the back burner that it becomes a problem. So, how do you break the cycle and start to put more focus on your partner? Consider these questions -

1. Do you have an intentional program/process to impress your SO that is ‘urgent stuff resistant’?

2. Do you go out of your way to intentionally try to touch their heart on a regular basis?

3. Do you make plans to surprise them on a regular basis?

To break it down further, work through this 3-step process -

First, determine what exactly ‘focus’ means to you. You might read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman for ideas. Does focusing on her mean having a weekly pre-scheduled date night? Could you focus on him daily by cozying up on the couch before bed to talk about the day? Maybe focusing on her means listening more (and giving less advice) and focusing on him means letting him teach you about his newest hobby?

Second, schedule that intentional appointment. I mean actually put it on a calendar. That makes it ‘urgent stuff resistant.’ Plan those date nights and block off time that’s about the two of you – put it on your calendar. Don’t leave it to memory or you will forget…there’s just something about a scheduled appointment that automatically makes it appear that much more important. You have birthdays, anniversaries, meeting days, etc. on there already, right?

Third, keep track of your partner’s needs, new interests, wants, likes, etc. Take note of what she’s been talking about a lot lately and what he’s interested in these days. Get specific so you can plan events your SO will actually enjoy. My wife loves being in nature so I plan day trips for us to take a bike ride to the Shenandoah. I love seafood so she’s always scouting out new seafood restaurants for us to try.

If you try something  he or she loves, do it again – if it flopped, give something else a try. Being together and going through those ‘flops’ together will only make your bond stronger, right? Have fun with it and make it urgent.

Do these things and your SO might not be thinking:

You don't have a clue

But I don't wanna give up
Baby, I just want you to get up
Lately I've been a little fed up

Wish you would just focus … on Me

Will This Last? Part 4 of 6

If you haven’t read parts 1 through 3 of this series, take a moment to read them here –

1. Goal and ambitions – do you share similar life goals and ambitions?

2. Getting along with others – how your partner interacts with your circle of family, friends, strangers, etc.

3. Time and money – how you manage your time as a couple, how to handle money matters

Here in part 4, we explore a simple topic that has many layers – whether your significant other (SO) has a focus on you, including what’s important to you. And no, this isn’t about your SO watching every move you make and wanting to be joined at the hip. But you do enter their sense of curiosity some of the time? Do they ever curtail their personal interests to engage with you because you are now one of their personal interests? Or, are all your discussions about the children, work and the bills?

How do you know your partner is thinking about you? Below are some easy questions you can use to determine whether they have a focus on you.

1. Do you have a title?

Out of nowhere they have a title for you that they use around others. You have become ‘My man,’ ‘My woman,’ ‘My boo,’ ‘My bae.’ And remember; it’s not enough for them to have a name for you when you’re all alone. Do they use that same name when they’re around people they care about? It’s okay to be their ‘Boo’ when you’re alone. But it’s another thing all together when they call you ‘Boo’ in front of their best friends and family members. Have you gotten a title yet?

2. Does your partner make an effort to understand you?

Understanding comes by study. You want to be in a relationship with someone who cares enough about you to study you. The person that has a focus on you actually takes the time to contemplate everything about you. They really think about what’s important to you and then use that information to engage with you. Does your SO try to exist with you in an understanding way?

3. Does your SO find ways to make you happy?

You’ll start to experience little surprises. She got you something in your favorite color or made plans and tried to surprise you. He recalls something you said in conversation and asks you more about it. These little surprises don’t have to cost a thing – a thoughtful gesture, a handwritten note or cozy night for just the two of you. Is your SO trying to see that smile on your face?

It really is the ‘little things’ that help relationships endure. Now that you have read and answered questions for 1/2 of this series, how would you rate your relationship thus far?

I would love to hear from you! Comment below or email me directly at hiddenruleshq@gmail.com

Will This Last? Part 2 of 6

If you haven’t read part 1 of this 6-part Will This Last series, take a moment to read it here. In part 1, we explored questions about your partner’s goals and ambitions. When you and your partner have similar goals and ambitions from the start, you’re more likely to remain strong and committed when that initial “lust phase” wears off. That’s because your relationship is built on a bond that’s deeper than physical attraction and butterflies.

In part 2, we will review a series of questions about your partner’s interactions with others, specifically how he or she gets along with others. Your partner’s ability to get along with others is a clear indication of how they’ll get along with you long-term. If he struggles with his family relationships, he’ll likely have a hard time getting along with yours. If she is rude to your friends, how do you plan to blend your lives for social gatherings and fun?

So, just like in part 1, let’s explore questions to help you assess how well your partner gets along with others. This section is short and sweet with only 3 questions to consider.

1. Does your partner get along with members of his or her own family?

Have you ever dated that one member of the family that didn’t seem to get along well with anyone else in the family? Of course, the family could be “off,” but what if the real problem was your significant other? One of my former clients had been in a committed relationship for several years with a man who had a difficult time controlling his temper. Then came his family reunion.

There was no real blowup at the family reunion, but she did notice that other family members seemed to enjoy each other’s company while keeping their distance from him. Also, when he wasn’t around her, she got along well with his family members and everyone seemed to feel more at ease. It put her in a tough position because he got along great when it was just the two of them, but with this family, there was a clear challenge. She asked whether I thought the two of them would last. Here’s the thing, if your partner doesn’t get along well with biological family members, that might be a major indicator of their ability to get along with you for the long haul.

2. Does he or she get along with your friends and family?

In the movie Hitch, “Date Doctor,” Will Smith gave the best advice about getting along with your partner’s friends. He said, “This first date is about how you get along with her friends, not about how you get along with her.” Your friends are people you’ve known for years and you trust them. However, they have no skin in the game when it comes to your dating life because they’re not as emotionally attached to your partner as you are. That means you can get fairly unbiased feedback from your friends and you can watch the interactions of your partner and your friends.

Does your partner try to actively participate in conversations with your family and friends? Does she ask you things about your friends in order to get to know them better? Does he try to find things in common with your family members? Can your partner be him or herself around your friends and family?

3. How well does he or she get along with people…in general?

I’m safely assuming you’re dating someone friendly but you may be surprised to see, the more time you spend together, how they really treat people in general. I’m not referring to whether she’s an introvert or whether he’s the life of the party but more about common decency. Things like saying, “please,” and, “thank you” to wait staff, being kind to those in the service industry, holding doors for strangers whenever possible and not speaking ill of people for fun. This is about common decency and showing respect to people outside their immediate circle...and to you, long-term.  

If you are able to honestly answer, ‘Yes’ or affirm all of these, then congratulations, you may be in a relationship that will stand the test of time. Don’t worry if your answer to some of these questions was, “No,” or, “I don’t know…” but do keep these questions in mind as you move forward in your relationship. Uncertainty isn’t a reason to quit now but it is a great reason to pause and review where you are right now. In the next article, we’ll discuss time and money.

Will This Last? Part 1 of 6

Three of the most common questions I’ve been asked over more than a decade of relationship coaching are,

1. “How do I know if this person is really my soul mate?”
2. “Are we meant for each other?”
3. “Will this relationship last?”

That last question keeps people awake at night. I totally understand their fear because I had similar doubts before I got married, even knowing all that I know about how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. I actually asked my mom, “How do I know I’m really in love?” She gave me an answer that I’ll never forget, but that didn’t help me one bit. She said, “You’ll just know.”

All 3 of these questions and the feelings they stir up are warranted. Choosing a life partner is a huge decision you only want to make once. It’s scary because the beginning of a relationship is always perfect because you both are on your best behavior. Soon you stop seeing it as being each other’s best behavior and you start thinking it’s your real behavior because your emotions are clouding your judgment. Over time you realize that those best behaviors have faded and the real person is standing right in front of you.

As Dr. Phil says, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior,” so if you’re seeing some behaviors you don’t like, take note. You can find a quick relationship quiz online to tell you whether you two are meant to last but those quizzes don’t factor in the behaviors that are unique to your relationship. To help you answer that question and feel settled in your final answer, I’ve developed that 1 question into these 6 key areas -

1.     Goals and Ambitions

2.     Getting Along with Others

3.     Time and Money

4.     A Focus on You

5.     Trust

6.     Fun and Work

When you and your partner have similar goals and ambitions from the start, you’re more likely to remain strong and committed when that initial “lust phase” wears off. That’s because your relationship is built on a bond that’s deeper than physical attraction and butterflies. If you’re not sure whether you have similar goals and ambitions, consider these questions -

1. Do you have similar life goals and ambitions? Are you going in the same direction? Do you both want children and if so, are you open to adoption or foster care? What are your career goals and aspirations? Compromise is required in a relationship; however, if you have to give up all your goals and ambitions to help with someone else’s goals and ambitions, in the future you may feel you paid too great a price. Compromise is important but compromise isn’t giving up everything you want to help your partner get everything he or she wants.

2. Are they interested in you and the things you care about? When you discuss what you care about do they try to get more information so they know what you’re trying to do? Even better, do they spend time trying to understand how they can be of support? Or do you get comments that discredit and minimize the things you care about?

3. How similar are your value systems? Values will affect everything from how you train your first puppy together to how you raise your children and conduct yourselves throughout the ups and downs. Do you have the same fundamental spiritual practices? What is his/her moral code? How does he/she treat others in the service industry?

If you are able to honestly answer, ‘Yes’ or affirm all of these, then congratulations, you may be in a relationship that will stand the test of time. Don’t worry if your answer to some of these questions was, “No,” or, “I don’t know…” but do keep these questions in mind as you move forward in your relationship. Uncertainty isn’t a reason to quit now but it is a great reason to pause and review where you are right now. In the next article, we’ll discuss getting along with others.

5 Signs You Might Be Getting Played

During a very recent conversation, I had a young woman tell me that on a first date, the guy told her, “I can see myself married to you.” Mind you…this was a first date! I asked her what she thought of the comment and it was obvious that she was already drinking the Kool-Aid. On a first date, he has already started to consider marriage. Hopefully if you’re reading this, you understand that this is just a game that was being played. One of my favorite quotes, from a woman that I hold in great esteem is,

“Guys play at love in order to get sex; And girls play at sex in order to get love.”

Believe it or not, this can be very effective provided both sides understand the point - that it takes time to truly get to know someone. We should not always take what someone says at face value, dating prospects included. I asked the young lady a few questions about her date. Her own answers made it plain to her that the young man was willing to say anything to get what he wanted. The same questions that I asked this woman are questions you can ask yourself.

1. What does he know about you that would make him decide that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

2. What does he think is your favorite color?

3. What is it about your current life that he wants to be a part of?

4. What does he think about your behavior when you’re in a bad mood? (Remember, he’s only seen you when you’re “on”).

5. How does he feel about the future you’ve imagined for yourself?

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It didn’t take her long to admit that she was probably being played. She wasn’t getting played because she was dumb or stupid or even inexperienced. She was getting played because she really, really, really wanted what he said to be true. He knew what she wanted to hear and he fed it to her.

1. You Might Be Getting Played If …
   They’re saying things like “I can see myself married to you.”
    
2. You Might Be Getting Played If…
   Things started off really strong and then cooled off really fast.
    
3. You Might Be Getting Played If…
   He/she just got out of a committed relationship last Friday and they want to start a committed relationship with you on Wednesday.
    
4. You Might Be Getting Played If…
   There is always time for sex, but little time for meeting their friends or family.
    
5. And the biggest one…You Might Be Getting Played If…
   Things are moving really fast. You’ve only been out to coffee and they want to be exclusive now!

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Has navigating the single life been challenging? Contact me for a free consult to help sort through emotions and difficulties that you are facing.

Actions That Show You've Got A Keeper

“Actions speak louder than words.”

When you are getting to know someone, give yourself time to observe actions. If the actions line up with the words, then the words can be believed. Here are 8 behaviors to look for early on in a relationship. If the person that you've seen these signs consistently in someone who you are dating, he or she might be a keeper!

1. You are made a priority over time. He/she has time for you in his/her life and routinely puts other things aside to spend time with you.

2. Sex is not always on the agenda. Sometimes they just want to be around you. You really are that special.

3. You have a title. “This is my woman.” This is my boyfriend.”

4. They have introduced you to the significant people in their life such as parents, children and friends.

5. They want to be seen out with you. They want others to see the connection.

6. They open up over time and give you real information about themselves. What was their childhood like? What do they think about their job? What are their interests?

7. They put forth effort to build you up in your own eyes and the eyes of others.

8. They’re bummed when you change plans and they can’t see you. Watch out for jealous or possessive behaviors on this one!

If it feels a little too fast, it probably is. That’s no reason to run, but it’s a great reason to slow it down. Remember, when you pay a lot of attention to what’s being said and watch actions just as closely - you can prevent heartbreak. Remember… actions speak louder than words.

If you are in need of guidance to navigate the relationships in your life, from work relationship to your home life - contact Art.